Soul Mate

Faces of souls pass me by
As the countless years
Go flying by.

I wonder why I tried
So hard to fit in…
To blend in.

When I realized that
All I was doing was living a lie,

I made a promise to myself
to live the way I
Want and to be free.

I give love to everybody
And it’s left
Me rather lonely.

All I want…
All I need…
All I desire…

…is someone by my side.
My eternal one.
The one my heart beats for.

My twin in love,
My twin in passion,
My twin in music.
The one who’d love
My soul for eternity.

The one who’d want
To save me if I
Were suddenly dying.

Where are you, my love?
I’m crying for you,
Can’t you hear me?

I’ve been praying to the stars
And making wishes
On my necklaces
For your arrival.

But you haven’t come.

My invitation is
Wide open for you.
I’m waiting for you
To rescue me from
All this madness.

For you will be worshiped
With all of my body and soul
As you worship me the same.

Some would say that
That kind of love is
Too powerful.
Our minds can’t handle it.

Some say only God
Loves you like that.

What is God?
What are we?
What is life?
What is my worst fear?
…Death?
No…
It’s the unknown.
I don’t like surprises.

I just want to spend
Eternity with you.

I want company
That melts with my mind.
That see things as
Crazy and bizarre and weird
To others
That are perfectly normal to us.

I know what you look like.
You have long dark silky hair
And light blue eyes.
How can I find you?
I want to go where you live.
Meet my mate in blood.

I want to mix our blood
And bury it in the earth
So we will be
Married to Her.

I’ve found
Bits and pieces
Of you.

You’re in my friends.
You’re in my family.
You’re even in my
Kitties of now and then.

Egyptians worshiped cats.
So do I!
So do you.

Where are you?
If I find a place
Where you’re at,
I’ll move there.

Because where you’ll
Be is near others like us.

Are you in New Orleans
With all the magic,
Vampires and blood rituals?

Will we meet in an absinthe bar
And share each other’s sugar cubes?

Perhaps I have to travel
All the way across the ocean
To Europe
Where my heart lies,
And has for a very long time.

Where to start?
I’ve no clue.
But my mind makes plans.

Oh, indeed it does.

You’re out there somewhere.
We’ll find each other someday.

I believe this because
I just do.

Everyone has a twin.
And everyone has
A soul mate.

We’re connected
You and I.

And right now
You’re
Thinking about
Me
Like I’m
Thinking about
You.

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

Holy Water

My body is swallowed by the

undertow of your blood

which pulsates through my veins.

The seas are boiling and

I consume your holy water.

Waves of emotion take

me by surprise and

I escape them out of breath.

Your breath you breathe

into my heart, revives

me and I shiver.

A faceless face full of passion

catches me off guard.

I can be free from all

my worries when

I'm with you.

Free from the heartaches,

free from reality.

Like a drug, I let my

mind take control.

Drifting into a slumbering

state of satisfaction.

I close my eyes,

take a deep breath,

sigh,

and I'm alone once again.

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

One Giant Catastrophe

I'm in a hole that I can't climb out of.

My heart's been broken in two.

No matter what I do,

No matter what I say,

You'll just never love me that way.

I walk alone in this world

and it's driving me mad.

The silence is killing me,

someone just give me a caring hand.

I keep growing small,

slipping in and out of my own little world,

watch me as I disappear from your sight.

This is life it’s falling,

this life is coming down.

I've been drifting from place to place

without a clue, without a care.

You don't care, and neither do they.

I guess I should move onward,

and meet my Fate.

Come for a ride,

smile for me.

Tell me something that's more than a dream.

Come for a spin,

sing to me.

Tell me you're waiting for the perfect moment

It's here and then it's gone.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

I'm screaming loud, but no one wants to hear me.

I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.

One giant catastrophe.

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

Thoughts On Paper

Thoughts on paper.

Now where did that idea come from?

It's been years since I've done it.

Lost in this depression.

Without a clue why.

I lead a pretty interesting life.

Not really.

Only in my head is it interesting.

And I've forgotten what a journal is.

Very lonely.

Looking for a companion.

But she's tangled in dreams.

I have dreams too.

I have nightmares as well.

And for months I've been attacked.

I don't know why I'm finding it difficult

To know both sides of my personality.

I don't want to be mean.

I don't mean to be grouchy.

And I want to be happy and be at peace with everything.

I'm driving myself crazy.

That's all there is to it.

Because no one knows where we go in the end.

There's no proof.

It's all a mystery.

Do you just go to sleep?

Do you dream?

Or is it all a blank?

Because most smart people are right.

Is there another world beyond death?

Will I be me?

Because despite my crazy way of thinking,

I like who I am.

I like my identity.

And yes, there are short comings.

But, I can handle them.

I just don't want to lose myself.

I've drawn a blank.

I've lost it.

My thoughts have taken me on a trip.

It's not quite like Wonderland.

But it's very vivid and would probably

Scare a normal human being.

My meds haven't kicked in yet.

But my mind is wandering.

Where will it go?

Where will I go?

Where will we go?

I hate being cold.

I'm crawling under the covers.

Close my eyes.

While Poo Poo Kitty crawls in my arms.

Pleasant dreams, Miss Karen Elizabeth.

I love you all.

 Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

Dark Angel

Her passion runs deep,

If you tap the vein, you might find it.

She’s never truly exposed herself before.

Alone at night, she sits in the dark and cries.

Her mind holds the key to her transfiguration,

But she needs someone to unlock her

Deepest lusts and fears in order to

Understand her.

Never betray her.

Never leave her.

Never get that close for your own good.

There’s darkness in her heart.

There’s beauty lying under the skin.

There’s lust in her eyes.

There’s ardor in her soul.

She’s dying to get out.

She wants that freedom.

She wants to be saved.

If you think you can handle it,

Never hide yourself.

Come and let this scarred angel fly.

The door is hanging wide open.

Your foot is through…just a few more steps.

The impact is exhausting.

Her beauty is love.  Her love is beautiful.

She’s the angel of a dead caterpillar.

Dreaming forever, flying from flower to flower.

What flower are you?

Just a few more steps.

Just a few more.

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

Voices In My Head

Voices stare back at

me as an unknown

caller tries to talk.

The silence almost

drives me crazy and

I don't understand

what's gotten into me.

Why do all these thoughts

keep occupying my brain?

Keep telling me

that I've gone insane!

A tranquil symphony orchestra

sings a tune

and I'm again haunted

by you.

I can't turn down the voices

for they are stuck on high.

And he's once again in the way.

I shake him,

I choke him,

but he laughs in my face,

and I can't keep him

from strangling me.

Help me, my Lady,

save me, my Lord,

from him,

the voices,

and the reoccurring

thoughts of you.

I beg of thee to quit

doing this to me,

set me free,

let me go!

I dive into the deep end

and with every breath

I swallow water.

Cold, heartless, ice water,

and I see you coming

from above to save me.

Quick!

I take your hand and you

bring me to the surface.

I lie there eyes closed,

shallow breath while

you breathe life back

into me.

I wake up and stare into

your beautiful eyes.

A true friend's work is never done.

Together we die

simultaneously

and I can breathe you

in like never before. 

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

Carousel

My head is spinning
But my body is motionless.
Colors sparkle and swirl by
As I begin to dream.

Time goes by and consumes
Our souls and we live in
Fear of the end.

But, my world that I live in
Is kept as a secret and I
Know time won’t take over there.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

I Hear Only the Music in My Head

These scars I have keep
Bleeding for you
And I’m screaming out loud
For help.
No one is getting it.
No one is paying attention.

I might as well cry my
Lonely life every night
Cause knowing no one
Understands me or
Wants to, makes me
Weaker inside.

I hear only the music in my head.
I hear only what you’ve said.
I hear only my heart beating
Inside my head and wicked
Thoughts that say,
“I wish I were dead.”

What monsters are these?
What demons can they be?
Just go away, go away and
Leave my head alone.

My chest is heavy with panic.
I shake and shake
Until my body passes out.

A lonely life where
No one understands you.

Where can you go?
Where will I go?
Where can I go?

This virus is reaching
Deep inside me
And slowly poisoning
My soul.

I hear only the music in my head.
I hear only what you’ve said.
I hear only my heart beating
Inside my head and wicked
Thoughts that say,
“I wish I were dead.”

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

Melancholy Dreams

Carve my heart out and let
It bleed in your hand.
There’s so much I haven’t told
You about my life.

Let me fly away in your arms.
Just one last time.
And I promise you I’ll never call
Out your name again.

Oh sweet melancholy dreams
Stay with me just a little longer.
Kiss my lips with sorrow.
Let me stay here till tomorrow.

The secrets that you hide from me.
The secrets that I started hiding from you.
What’s happened to us?
Where will we go now?

I fear you’ll leave my side.
Just like she did.
Just like they did.
I’m sorry I screwed things up in the end.

Oh sweet melancholy dreams
Stay with me just a little longer.
Kiss my lips with sorrow.
Let me stay here till tomorrow.

But someday soon, everything will be okay.
I’ll bloom like a blossom.
I’ll be free from my cage.
Can you hear me again?
See me again?
Love me again?
Oh….

Oh sweet melancholy dreams
Stay with me just a little longer.
Kiss my lips with sorrow.
Let me stay here till tomorrow.

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

The Instrument of Mutilation

The instrument of
mutilation has
done it again.
Fast searing hot
pain as the blade
draws across my
pale pale skin.
No lover.
No family member.
No friend.
Just the purest
form of anger
shot forth across
my arm and wrist
and slash my skin.
Blood rises to
the occasion.
At last no more
pain and anger.
Have to clean up
my mess.
But I feel pure again.
What does that mean?

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

FollowTheWhiteRabbitVlogPoetryReading1Wasted_Effort.wmv

The Asylum (continuation from 'Cold Room')

I walk out of the room with empty
beds and head down the corridor
with the other patients to the
nurses station to get my
morning meds.

Breakfast again,
then group sessions
with the therapists.
We patients sit
and talk about
the things that we
can't tell sane people.

I sit in my chair and
listen to a girl cry,
she's here in this place,
because she wanted to die.

Which leads me to believe,
that the cuts on my arms
are a farce of death.
But I don't want to die.
I want to live.
I just want to kill the pain.
Create pain elsewhere to
kill the pain in my head.

My name is called.
"Karen, share your thoughts."

I haven't been paying attention.
So I say, "I don't know."

A girl who's autistic and
mentally challenged begins
to clap her hands loudly
and shouts repeatedly
after me.
 
The orderlies come in and
take her out of the room.

I suppose she's going into isolation again.

Finally the group sessions are over.
We can return to our rooms.

My room is so cold and lifeless.
Lining the walls are empty beds.
I have no clue why I'm in this room.
It reminds me of a sick room
during the 19th and early 20th centuries.

I lie back down on my bed
and fall asleep, thanks to my psych meds.

The dreams start to come and I'm
alone once again and the nightmares
come and I can't wake up.

No tricks this time, I can't wake up.
I can't wake up!
Help me!
Wake me up!
Please!
I scream, but it comes out like a moan.
This nightmare won't let me go.
This hell that I'm living through
will not cease.

I toss and turn, hoping that will work.

The cloaked figure in my dream
reaches out for me.

I sit straight up in bed and open
my eyes and take a look
at my surroundings.
I'm not at home.
I'm here, in the asylum.
To get better.
Or so I thought.

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

Happy Go Lucky Goth and her kitty Beepers

Well I've begun doing my video blogging.  I recorded me doing a poem last night, but I made a boo boo in the reading, so I'm going to redo it again.  It'll be like the fifth time too.  LOL

The blog talk radio show went well and I will be featured on the show, Whispers in the Dark in two weeks.  I'm so excited.  I have no idea what poems I'd like Viktor to read.  We shall discuss it once he buys a copy of my book.  Yay!

That will make three copies of my book sold to people since I published it in November of last year.  I'm hoping Nikki will help me pick out some poems too.  She's the one who told him about the poem, 'Cold Room'.  And boy am I extremely happy that she did!  He did a wonderful job on the recording of my poem.  If you didn't get to hear it last night, there will be a link to download it very shortly.  I will let you know.

Anyway, my trip to the ER yesterday was just horrible.  They didn't listen to me when I said I need something strong when it comes to pain meds.  And when they finally gave me the right shot for pain, it was like, okay, now you can go home now.  What-the-hell-ever!  I hate our ER.

I'm still sore from what was wrong with me, but what was wrong with me I think is over now.

Beepers is laying on my lap right now.  He weighs a ton!  My poor leg is going numb from him laying on it while I have it crossed.  Okay, that's better, I made him get up.  I think he's upset with me.  Poor Beep.

Well, ladies and gents, I think that's all I have to say for now.  Keep an eye out for my videos.  They will be available through Youtube and Facebook.

Have a wonderful day!

Dark kisses,

Karen Elizabeth

 The Beep

Kidney Pain and The Devil's Carnival

So, I'm having this excruciating pain in my side and in my back.  It's not like when I pass a stone.  This is different.  It's been steady and not in waves.  I've also been peeing like there's no tomorrow.  And I haven't been drinking fluids like I should.  I've been drinking water and yesterday I drank my cranberry juice.

It could be a number of things.  A burst cyst.  Acute pancreatitus, cancer of the kidney.  You name it.  I've been researching it all morning long and like I said, it could be a number of things.  I should go to the hospital, but I'm hoping to go to The Devil's Carnival with my sister tonight.  I'm hoping she can make it up here.  Her little town got snowed in.  Something like 6 to 8 inches of snow.  The show is in Pittsburgh, and all they got was rain, like Clearfield did.

Ah, hell, I don't know what to do.  I'm actually afraid of going to the hospital for fear they will admit me.  I have some antibiotics left over from my last episode of kidney problems.  I think what I'll do is take them and if the pain persists, when I get back home, go to the hospital then.  That is IF I even get to go to the show.

If you press on my left side, it hurts.  And it's a steady pain.  It won't go away, even if I take my heavy duty pain meds.  I can detect no blood in my urine, but that doesn't mean there isn't any in there.  Last night, I went to bed early and peed like every two hours and it was a huge amount of pee too.  Like I drank a whole bottle of water before I laid back down.  I didn't drink any water all night.  There was some beside the bed for me to drink, but I didn't touch it.

On a plus side, tonight is the night that my poem, 'Cold Room' will be premiered on Whispers in the Dark.  A blog talk radio show.  My friend, Nikki and her friend, S.B. are the main guests of the show.  If I don't get to go to Pittsburgh, I'm listening in to the show and definitely calling in.  If I do go to the show, I'm gonna sneak out of the show and call in.  Just for a few minutes.  Then in May, I will be a featured guest on the show.  How exciting is that?!

Well, I'm gonna go and lay down again.  Try to get as much rest as possible until my sister calls me with the news that she's coming or not.  Please!!!  I don't want to miss the show.  The sun is actually shining here.  So hopefully, she'll make it up to pick me up.

That's all for now, darklings.

It's 8:49am right now.  Talk to you soon.